Sleep Wars: Episode One

The Phantom Menace, indeed.


Sleep, that is. It is both phantom and a menace in this house.

And everyone's a critic. Why is it that as soon as you mention sleep issues everyone has a solution? Everyone's solution is to "Cry it Out". Well, that's lovely. But if Darth Spawn is not crying but flat out refusing to stay in bed or make any other gesture towards agreeing to at least leave you alone for an 8 (or more, please GOD, let it be more) hour stretch, what, pray tell, is the solution?

Answer: cry.
Second answer: wine.

Real answer: I don't know.

And, frankly, neither do any of the well meaning people who offer solutions. What you have is a flat out battle of wills. And I am old. Which means my will is old. And we all know old people fall asleep sometime between the early bird special and prime time. So by the time Bedtime for Bubba (look out for a children’s book. I will write it as soon as I clear 2 years of sleep deprivation from my brain. So sometime in roughly 2037...) rolls around, my will has hit the hay.

Darth Spawn, on the other hand is just getting his stubborn groove on.

Please, come, join me for a bedtime journey.
7:00 Bathtime. Usually goes off without a hitch. (Shampooing is never fun for either of us, but you know. It's fine. I SAID IT'S FINE.)

7:30 Time to go upstairs.

7:35 I said, "time to go upstairs"

7:36 "Ok, here we go. Momma's going to carry you up."

7:37 "Yes, momma carry you."

7:38 "Ok, do it yourself. Thank you."

7:39 Finally, upstairs. (After climbing each stair as slowly as humanly possible.)

7:40 "Do you want the pirate jammies or the striped jammies?"

7:41 "Do you want the pirate jammies or the striped jammies?"

7:42 "Do you want the pirate jammies or the striped jammies?"

7:43 "OK, striped jammies it is. Ok ok ok ok fine. Pirate jammies. Please come put them on."

7:44 "Bubba, please let momma help. Ok ok ok ok, do it yourself."

7:45 "Bubba, please let momma help. Ok ok ok ok, do it yourself."

7:46 "Bubba, please let momma help. Ok ok ok ok, do it yourself."

7:48 "Bubba, please let momma help. Ok ok ok ok, do it yourself."

7:49 "Yes, Bubba, momma would be happy to help you. Thank you for asking so nicely." (Unlike Elvis, Patience has not left the building yet.)

7:50 "Five minutes of trains, then it's time to chose a story." (commence countdown by minute...)

7:55 "Ok, chose a story, please."

7:56 "Bubba, please chose a story."

7:57 "Do you want Sneeches or George?"

7:58 "Ok, George it is. Oh, ok, we'll read Potty. Come here."

::Commence story reading::

8:15 "Shhh, Bubba, it's time for prayers."

8:16 "Shhh, Bubba, it's time for prayers."

8:17 "Shhh, Bubba, it's time for prayers."

8:18 "Ok, no prayers. Good night."

::place child in bed with lots of bedtime kisses:: (Hope, as it were, is still alive. He will sleep. He will sleep. He will sleep)

As recommended by at least 7 of the top 19874719 sleep experts, I stay in the room and silently place him back in bed every time he gets up.

He's on the floor. Back in bed.
Between the wall and his bed. Back in bed.
On the floor. Back in bed.
On the floor. Back in bed.
On the floor. Back in bed.
DID HE JUST ARMY CRAWL ACORSS THE FLOOR TO HIS TRAIN TABLE? OH NO HE D'INT. (yes, yes he did) Back in bed.
Between the wall and his bed. Back in bed.
Between the wall and his bed. Back in bed.
On the floor. Back in bed.
Seriously, child? The army crawl, again?! Do I look stupid!? (DON'T ANSWER THAT.) Back in bed.
Between the wall and his bed. Back in bed.
What are you doing? You're not seriously pushing your bed around the room? No. Seriously. You are. Really?! Back in bed. Push bed back to original position.
On the floor. Back in bed.
Pushing the bed around the room. Again. Back in bed.

...You get the point.

After an hour of this, patience has officially left the building. Time to call in troop reinforcements. The Force is strong with this one.
ObiWanDaddy steps up and takes over. After another hour, success is claimed! Victory is ours!

Or is it? He's sleeping on the floor.

Sleep experts need to offer real life solutions. Cry it out? Absolutely an option. If your kid cries. Then there are kids who, like mine, cry with such gusto they can't breathe. I suppose one could argue not breathing would stop the crying problem, but it seems a rather drastic approach. Toss in some asthma for good measure and you have a kid who can't be left to cry.
Ok, cross that off the list.

The above method was developed after reading up on some "no cry" solutions. ("No cry" by the way? A total and utter lie. Told by lying liars who lie. I cried. No cry. My ass.) Clearly we can cross that off the list.

What's next? I'm considering duct tape. But I hear CPS frowns on that.
That basically leaves prayer, hope that someday he'll sleep, and lots and lots of coffee.
Unless someone has Yoda on speed dial.