10, scratch that, 9 Things I Always Do

Let's be honest.
We all have the "list".
You know the list of stuff we swear we will never do as parents.

Know what happens to that list? It gets tossed out with the size newborn diapers. (Which, BTW, you never need as many of as you think.) If it even lasts that long. But we all compile the mental list.

Some even go so far as to put it in writing. BIG MISTAKE. Never put anything in writing. (Oh come on. The irony of that is amusing.) See?

Allow me to give you the same list through the eyes of an actual parent. And yes. I get that I only have one kid. And he's only two. But my lack of experience doesn't make me wrong (Please note: I'm not exactly known for my modesty.)

So here you go. In order:

1) Use a leash.
"Leash", in this case, refers to a safety harness. Like this.

Looks scary doesn't it? I'm personally terrified.
I have a lot to say on this particular topic. It's kind of my pet issue. (and by "issue", I mean, "One of many issues I'll expound on ad nauseam if given 1/2 a chance.") Yes, people call it lazy parenting. They say it's cruel. They accuse you of not being able to "control" your child. Whatever they say, I say to them. Why do you care? My kid loves his "Puppy Pack". He asks for it. It keeps him within arms reach at all times in crowded areas and there's no need for me to bring an obnoxious stroller. I'm allowing him to explore his world safely. With built in boundaries. Which is my job as a parent. So really. Simmer down. I don't think he's a dog. (Though he is pretty good at "sit/heal"...) But since you brought it up, let me just toss this out there. We put leashes on our dogs to keep them safe. I'm guessing you love your kid at least as much as your dog? Just a thought.

2) Give them a pacifier.

Ok. I have to be honest. My kid never liked the pacifier. (The Husband Guy disagrees. He says I never let him like it. Right. Cuz you can control that in an infant.) But I will say the pacifier is not about "plugging the mouth to get them to be quiet." It's about "making your poor screaming child who just wants to be comforted" happy. I know. It's the very personification of evil.

But you know what? Let's just put this particular conversation on hold when your little princess is 9 months old and will not sleep without it. Call me. I won't even laugh. Much.

3) Talk Baby Talk

I baby talk all the time. All the time. Why? It's a reflex. And it's actually :gasp: good for your baby! Homie say what?
Yup. You heard me. Baby talk is beneficial for your baby. Babies respond best to it. See? Even Parenting agrees with me. I used to think that baby talk would make your kid a moron. It for sure makes you sound like one. But, as we all know, I'm lazy. And once I had a baby, the moron talk just came naturally. (I'm pretty sure placenta is made up of brain cells...your kid gets 1/2. The other 1/2 goes... Um, where, exactly does it go? Let's not talk about that...) And, as the lazy mom I am, I was not inclined to fight it. My kid has a killer vocabulary. Score one for laziness!

4) Dress them in novelty onsies/tees

All I'm going to say is: You're the world's most boring human being. That's about it.

5)Tolerate Picky Eaters

Ah hahahahahahahaha
:breath:
hahahahahahahahaha

They're not "picky eaters". They're "toddlers". And you don't get to control this.
Bubba happily ate all things green. Then he turned 1. And suddenly he realized that all he had to do was...spit them out. Not eat them. Do a full body shudder and fall to the floor like he was shot from behind. (True Story. His Oscar is in the mail.)

And picky or not, Bubba had to eat. There's this pesky little thing called, "Failure to Thrive". It's not about him being picky. It's about him being alive. Judge me for feeding him chicken nuggets. I dare you.

6) Tip-Toe When They're Sleeping
Oh, this is cute. So darn cute.
Ok. In all fairness, I almost agree. In fact, I agree for the most part. Right up until you have a child who simply doesn't sleep. (You know. Like babies do. Or don't. You know what I mean.) As soon as that child is :finally: asleep the following words come out of your mouth: "If you wake that child, I will break you." It's like baby-talk. It's reflexive. Just cross this off your "list" now. It's easier.

7) Allow them to interrupt adult conversations

Ok. I'm in on this one. Once they're like, 4. Before that? When your kid wants a juice box, you have 2 choices. Give in. Or deal with a tantrum. Giving in allows you to continue talking to your dear college friend (who, by the way, isn't so dear when she plasters shit about you all over the internet, huh? Oopsie. Guess it's time to cut the Christmas card list by one...). The tantrum means the afternoon is over for everyone. So. Let's recap: Juice box=more chatting. No juice box=tantrum. Which seems like the better option?
Ok. Great. So now that Jr. has a juice box and we can talk like grownups, let me point out to you that you probably have no idea how the child is allowed to behave in a normal situation. And by probably, I mean, definitely. But, sometimes being a parent means picking your battles. Don't die on the Juice Box Cross. It's just not worth it. Save your martyrdom for the bigger battles. Like "no, Bubba, you cannot climb in the cage with the tigers. I promise they don't want you to pet them. Here. Have a juice box."

8)Buy the popular toy

She starts with "My parents never stood on line at Toys “R” Us at midnight to buy me a Cabbage Patch Kid." And all I have to say is, "Sorry your parents didn't love you."
Mine not only stood in line, they had neighbors standing line as well. And when a neighbor finally found two (one for me, one for my sister) of the illustrious dolls, she got in a fist fight with someone else over them. Man, I loved that doll.
I don't condone violence.
I don't condone always going with the popular choice.
But I think it's important to let your kids see that once in a while, it's good to feel special.

Sorry if your parents didn't love you enough. That's sad. :insert sad face here:

9) Stay Stroller Bound

Ok. I'm actually 100% on board for this one.
The only problem is that you don't necessarily know how old a kid is. You can guess, but chances are, there's a 50/50 you're wrong. So while I agree, I try not to judge. I have a 6'2" tall 13 year old girl hanging out with me right now. Trust me, people guess wrong about her all the time. And always have. I've learned not to be one of them.

10) Pull them out of school for a vacation

All I'm going to say is "never say never". Airfare is expensive. And if pulling them out of a non-significant grade saves us a bunch of cash? Well, I guess we can review Bubba's spelling words on the plane.


Here's the thing.
Agree with me.
Disagree with me.
I don't care.
But don't pretend to know what's it's going to be like before you have kids. And once you have kids, don't judge mothers who do the things you've deemed "bad" or "wrong". Chances are good, you don't know the whole story. You probably don't even know 1/2 the story.

In the end, we're all just trying to do what's best for our kids.
So, grab a juice box and calm down.